Reflections and Fragments

I didn’t even do much besides go to my two classes, eat, and chat with folks. The one stressful event of the weekend has been settled between my future roomies and I. I’ve learned more about others in the process, which has led me to feel better about myself in ways (not to be conceited/arrogant), such as:

• I can see both sides to an argument, stay neutral in most cases, and not raise my voice at others
• The world is not simply black and white, and I’m glad that I can see that, while some people unfortunately cannot
• Not coming from a well-off family is actually nice because I know that not having to pay an extra $100 a month for a bill can make a big difference 
• I really do love people, forgive easily, and probably “defend” some people too much or unnecessarily (or maybe I’m just not quick to blame someone or become completely angry with them. I analyze the situation and try to understand their actions or whatnot).

This is why I want to be a psychologist. The human mind fascinates me. Also, I sometimes don’t understand how I became friends with certain people. Not in the bad way, but in the whole “we are so different, have very few things in common, and probably would’ve never been friends in high school or if we were never classmates last year” type of way. Everything is so weird.

Other things from today:

• It was our last class for Creative Writing. I’m going to miss everyone from class. We were a good bunch. Christian played his guitar and sang a song he’s been working on; hopefully he’ll record it soon because it’s good. My last poem actually received nice comments besides saying it was “good” or “not bad” lol. At least five of us will be in Creative Writing II in the fall.
• Listened to the new Sean Bones album coming out on the 8th. Me gusta. 
• Craving sushi. Two days until twloha’s final bonding night at the local sushi place! Excitement.
• An East Hazel Tango. “Last Night’s Fantasy, Today’s Trend”. Google that shit and feel nostalgic. Or don’t feel nostalgic because you didn’t know this band because I’m sure most people didn’t know them.
• I miss the south ‘burbs. I miss Chicago. I miss my hood. I miss my crew. 
• La Dispute and All Get Out in six days. Oh yes.
• In need of a baking party with the crew.  
• Met Jessica’s (former VP of our twloha chapter) boyfriend Saturday, and he has decided to call me “Dimples”, and they need to get married. I hope he finds a job in Texas so he can be closer to her now because they’re adorbs, just sayin’. 
• I want Mexican food.
• I have done not an ounce of homework today.
• At least I updated my resume, woot!
• Ice cream sounds nice right about now.
• I love seeing happy couples. I just want everyone to get married and invite me so I can cry while sitting somewhere in the first few rows. 
• While still in my nostalgic mood earlier, I remembered Brack Cantrell’s cover of  ”Brand New Colony” and found it on youtube because my copy of the song died with my old hard drive. It’s such a good cover. I don’t even know what he’s doing now since I know he’s definitely not a part of the touring band for Analog Rebellion anymore.
• Listened to Kid Cudi today, and I was happy camper. Summer nostalgia.
• Can’t go to Columbia’s Manifest this year because it’s a week earlier than usual. Kids These Days are going to be performing this year too. I’ve been wanting to see them so badly for months, but they’re supposed to be coming to school in the fall, so no worries. 
• Tat tat tat it up, oh. Tat tat tat it up. Now stop, oh, and wiggle with it, yeah. (Don’t ask)
• Counseling conference next Friday, as well as an interview with Planned Parenthood for an internship. Oh my.
• Omg, just remembered I get a free steak dinner tomorrow, courtesy of the school. I will try to be first in line, if possible. 
• Donuts sound really good right now too.

That’s all I have to say right now. Possibly a pointless post, but whatevs. Enjoy reading for anyone who actually decides to.

Alright, so people from both sides of the spectrum are just all over the place. People who just don’t give a shit are complaining about their timelines/newsfeeds being full of  ”Stop Kony” stuff. Other people are basically calling it a waste of time since this issue has been going on for over 100 years and that everyone else is a bunch of followers who really don’t care and are just jumping on the bandwagon. Even people who know Invisible Children and are a part of it in someway are basically saying that Kony has been around for years, as well as the organization itself and that people need to get educated. This makes it sound like even some of the supporters of IC don’t want all of this publicity, like it’s a special club or something, or they’re telling people to go educate themselves. Now, here’s my take:

Welcome to society. People are ignorant. If I’ve never heard of Invisible Children ever, why would I go out of my way to look it up? How would I know to look it up? So if you’re a supporter of Invisible Children, you should be very happy and excited that more people are finding out about the organization. IC is not the biggest organization in the world, so the majority of people today are not going to know what it is, but now more people are educating themselves. Sure, most people know that there are issues in Africa and other countries, but now they have at least one face to place with the issue of war children in Africa. So for those of you who are IC supporters and have practically made others sound stupid for not knowing who Kony or IC is, either help inform people of what this is all about or continue to keep all of the knowledge for yourself. 

For those who claim that this isn’t doing anything, that this issue has been around for 100 years, that everyone is just jumping on the bandwagon- thank you for your publicity. Yes, this has been an issue for many many many years, but that doesn’t mean that it has to continue. At least IC is trying to go after this issue in a bigger way than before. They’re using social media first off. Social. Media. If you’re using social media to complain about all of this and even have people who agree with you, you should understand the power of social media. This generation practically lives on the internet, especially social media/networking sites. If there’s one way to get a teenager’s attention these days, it’s to post something on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, etc. When famous people with millions of followers on Twitter make a post about something, their followers eat that shit up. People with money have power, so they could make a difference just with one tweet. Awareness is being raised, even if some of the people posting it are “just on the bandwagon”. So yes, some of the people who are posting today won’t be posting about this next week. Yes, that sucks. But the point of this is to raise awareness even more and grab the attention of those in power who can help bring justice to these people in Africa. There will be a nice amount of people who stick around and continue to care about what’s happening. 

For those who think that IC’s intentions are good but do not support the actual not-for-profit organization because of internal things you do not agree with (see this blog), there’s an option for you as well! This is the beauty of being a part of this generation- if you don’t like the way something is being done, you do it yourself. Now, I know that it would be extremely difficult for one person to go find this Kony guy without getting killed, but a person could start their own organization. You think IC has poor spending habits and that not all of the money donated actually goes to helping the people in Africa, or you do not like the way they are trying to go after Kony and deal with this situation? Then research other organizations that send most if not all of their money to directly help in Africa and handle situations like these differently. Other organizations exist that have a similar if not the same mission. When it comes to any organization, you should do your research, especially when it comes to charities because you believe that you’re donating to a cause for the greater good, and it is good to know exactly where your money is going. Non-profit and not-for-profit organizations have to make their financials public, so check them out from time to time. If you don’t think you could start a charity on your own or make a trip to Africa yourself, you should read about Dan Eldon. I don’t want to make it sound easy, because I know it’s far from it, but it never hurts to try if this is something you truly believe in and want to make a change in this world.

Everyone has a right to have their own opinion, but I encourage everyone to look at the pros and cons of things rather than just completely bash or blindly support a cause. That is all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading, if anyone should decide to.

• Sometimes, I really don’t like being associated with Christianity because there are too many close-minded Christians giving the rest of us a bad name. If you’re a Christian, cool beans. If you’re not, cool beans. Freedom of religion and being open-minded is nice. Don’t bash someone just because they don’t believe what you believe. Who are you to judge someone else on their faith or lack there of?
• The above reason is why I’m not going to this little retreat a few of my friends want me to go on. I like doing all of the non-Christian related things more, sad to say haha. I will miss going to the City Museum in St. Louis and the dance party, but that can all be done with other people at other times.
• Feeling hungry again, but what’s new?
• Didn’t finish reading for developmental psych again.
• Rain, rain, rain.
• Miss you.
• We’re only doing one short story for creative writing now. I’m okay with this, even though I have an idea for another short story.
• I have an idea for a concept album, thanks to my abnormal psych class. Someone who is really good at writing songs and shizz should hit me up.
• We had to write a poem about our “first love” for creative writing. Umm, what?
• We need a new advisor for twloha, and it might be my professor for my human relations development class. She’s super awesome and actually makes our 3 hour class go by fast. 
• California, California, here we commmeeeeee. Fuck. Yes.
• My application for the summer research program at UC-Berkeley got there in time. Fuck. Yes.
• Can I get another tattoo already?
• Why do I not have a record player here at school?
• Going apartment/house shopping sooooon. Just to rent with some peeps, of course.
• Once I get my school schedule on the right track, I’m going to go back to reading The Fountainhead. My goal is to do that by next week.
• People need to sign up for tutoring because my goal was to make $16.50 a week. Of course I’d like to make more, but not enough people are seeking help. I know calculus! I kinda know biology! I got A’s and B’s in other subjects as well, so ya. Just a little money would be nice right now.
• I need to go to another concert or a show of some type. Live music just hits the spot. Oh wait, I think I’m going to see All Time Low next month, mainly to visit Jon and the Ashleys at Millikin lol.
• So I have to start taking those iron tablets again? Really?
• My mom works with computers for a living, yet she wants me to be the one to download songs for her. Shouldn’t she know how to do this by now?
• What should I do the second half of spring break? Sleep and eat or visit people? All three most likely (well, the first two are definitely happening).
• I’m just going to take advantage of the doctor and the school’s health services before school ends because my insurance have expired by then. 
• I find it interesting that diseases and disorders that have specific “proper” names are named after the person(s) who discovered/described it first and not a person who actually had it. 
• I want Sufjan to go on tour.
• If Sigur Ros comes to Chicago this year, which they better, I will be there. No exceptions, unless someone is super ill or something, but otherwise, no exceptions. 
• Flaws. I love them.
• So much to do, so little time.

That’s all really. Nothing too important was written here. Ciao.

I just read an article about an update on Jonny Craig’s situation and all. Basically his producer and sister were saying that people saying all of this negative shit about him isn’t going to make his situation any better or help him get over it sooner. While reading some comments, one person just bashes him again and says he’s wasted himself on drug abuse. Another person replies to that user’s comment, then this user comes back saying basically as a psychology major they understand well enough that the blame should be placed on him. Seriously?

I’m so tired of people who take one psychology class or are in fact psychology majors who do not feel any sort of empathy for people but claim to know so much about how we as humans are. Not everyone is capable of truly feeling empathetic towards others, but I almost wish that the non-empathetic didn’t throw around their background in psychology to defend themselves when they’re being mean/cruel. It’s just so frustrating. 

Addiction is as much a disease as depression, an eating disorder, etc. A person might make the mistake to start using drugs in the first place, but they shouldn’t be blamed and bashed for being an addict. No one really expects things to get out of control. 

If we continue to hold someone’s past actions against them, how will they ever be able to move forward or better themselves? 

I am done with my mini rant.

“So why did you do it?”

I don’t know. I can’t really explain it. Maybe I just didn’t care. I’m just a fuck up.

“I’m kinda disappointed in you.”

And I will take that disappointment because I’m pretty disappointed in myself.

“Well, you’re my friend, and I care about you, so I want you to be alright.”

Thanks.

********

Friends- we try to wrap our minds around why we make certain decisions, but some of us will stick together, surprisingly. If we weren’t friends, would this change your opinion of me? 

When we’re not friends with a person, it’s easier for us to call them stupid or whatnot for mistakes they may make and judge them harshly. For friends, we may call them stupid, but then we’d just like to help them through their mistakes.

As I always try to remind myself, “You don’t know their story”, which makes it easier to not hold unfair judgements against others. I’m shifting from being angry at others to trying to understand why they chose to do certain things whether it directly affects me or not. We can’t always explain clearly why we do what we do.

I’m just going to ramble off some random thoughts and such while I should be cleaning my room.

• mini magazine- what the hell happened this year? What the hell is going to happen next year?
• reaching out
• still bringing the muthafuckin sass
• nail salon with my cousin tomorrow haha
• food therapy session needs to happen asap
• laughter is the best medicine
• wearing a beanie inside again
• must take music off my old laptop
• do I ever actually dress to impress?
• superman clock is dead
• where to hang these random pictures?
• Emerson- reunited we are
• is it wrong to be so easily amused?
• $10 to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D? Acceptable.
• street credddd
• I think I enjoy sticking up my middle finger too much now…
• people plotting to get me drunk and/or high in 2 weeks via food, the only love I can’t deny. Obviously I have to watch my food then.
• must ship off these mix cds tomorrow
• can there be pancakes at every show/party?
• everyone’s a little fucked up, it’s okay
• where are my boots?
• coffee cravings
• let’s get creative
• hardcore dancing new years eve, regardless of where I am
• awkward forever
• this mix is quality
• I just thought about Mike. It’ll be 2 years in about a week and a half. We still miss you, buddy. We’ll always miss you.
• Sufjan, you bring me comfort

Back to cleaning.

• I wish I had some sweaters clean
• My mom judges me for wearing a beanie in the house (it is chilly in here though…)
• Everyone’s horny. Nothing new.
• Refused. Love them. They’re fucking dead. No way they’re playing Coachella.
• Is the winter dew tour going on? Did I miss it already? I really need to see some snowboarding action asap.
• Art museum tomorrow aka later today. Mainly going for Andrew Bird, but I’ll stay for the rest of the art, and the nostalgia.
• I just thought about Bloc Party, and now I want to listen to them of course.
• It seems like all of the Texas-based bands/musicians I know are all buddies with each other (Travis Bryant, Analog Rebellion, Lydia, Brothers, etc.) but that would make sense (but Texas is a big state), so ignore this thought for the most part…
• Please tell me you want to just be friends and nothing more. I’m not looking forward to any awkwardness nor am I looking for a relationship currently.
• Mini magazine coming to you soooooon.
• Must repair my current strained relationship with food aka my first and always number one love.
• All my favorite Asians (3) aren’t here.
• Do I have enough money to get a plane ticket to Vancouver to visit my favorite Asian? Probably not…
• If Gabe is actually in town, Alicia needs to drive up here asap.
• Still getting used to seeing my tattoo on my arm. One day, I’m gonna be really delirious and legitimately surprised to see it.
• Watched Waiting for Superman. Such a good documentary. Highly recommended.
• I need a new list of books to read, but first I must finish The Dharma Bums, The Fountainhead, and Brave New World. Recommend me good reads. 
• “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.” “Hips and nips, hips and nips.”- pretty sure I hear Hannah say these quotes weekly, and she’ll be in the city next week!
• My dog isn’t sleeping in my room tonight, so I don’t have to hear his snoring.
• “The Imperial March” is officially my mother’s ringtone for when she calls me. Teehee. I love her though.
• I’m feeling hungry. Marshmallows are all the way downstairs. I am not coherent enough to make it down and back up without slipping at some point…
• I can’t remember the name of that one Deftones song, and I really would like to hear it now. I’ll find it.
• Time to sleep…maybe.

I like writing. I keep a journal. I like to carry around a mini notepad of some sort in my purse or at least a piece of paper. But you know what I really don’t like? Writing papers for school. I actually used to like writing them, but somewhere along the lines of time, my writing became “worse”. It’s not that I have become a bad writer- I usually receive compliments from teachers on my explanations of things and word choices and whatnot. I guess my issue is writing chronologically or when I have to summarize things- what to include in the summary so that it’s not too much or too little?

Really, I’m just frustrated. I haven’t really started revising my psych article summary that I did a few weeks ago. Everyone is revising it in hopes of a better grade, hence the fact that my professor did not post our grades online for the paper yet. As I read the comments he made on the paper, I realize that I don’t really understand what he wants in many areas or what exactly is wrong. If I would have read over it again earlier in the week, I could have asked him about what exactly I need to do to make it better. For example, I thought it was a good idea to state basically the purpose of the study before I actually mentioned what the findings were- apparently, it makes more sense to say what the findings were before actually stating the question/hypothesis/whatever. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just suck at writing stuff. Maybe it’s my procrastination getting the best of me. I just don’t understand.

Now, I’m thinking more about my psych major, and now I’m feeling uncertain again. I hate this feeling. I’m starting to get more into the major, and I really don’t want to drop out, but this is about to start stressing me out soon. Why must I do article summaries of articles on studies/experiments? I don’t want to be a researcher. I want to do applied psychology- my plan is to be a clinical psychologist. Why can’t I leave the research up to the psychologists who decide to strictly do research? They like doing that stuff, so I should just let them continue it.

Why must one go through so much just to get to what/where they want?

School is a just a drag. I don’t feel like I’m doing truly well in any of my classes. I’m even sucking in art class, which doesn’t make me feel better at all.

I was excited for fall break, but I feel that my parents are just going to irritate me the entire weekend to the point that I won’t want to come back home, as usual.

Don’t mind me. I’m just tired and frustrated. I’m going to bed now.

Ciao.

• Can Friday just be here?
• “So sick, so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick.”
• Trying to do two magazines? Not happening. Just one big bundle of joy coming.
• Reading Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead attracts men, specifically fathers as young as 20-something and as old as 60+.
• Apparently, I should’ve read Atlas Shrugged first- thanks for not walking into my life three weeks ago, new father #1. And no, I will not drop Fountainhead to start Atlas right now.
• I love young fathers (NOT teen fathers, let’s get that straight now lol)- they’re like the male friends absent from my life.
• Well that was awkward.
• Can I please just get my tattoo now?
• The Cupcake Counter= cute and tiny, plus very tasty icing (and I don’t even like icing).
• Did we over-extend our stay by two hours?
• Nice hair.
• Smells strongly of tea…in Argo Tea.
• I saw you on break, Subway lady.
• Sooo, who’s going to Sundance 2012 with me?
• “You never knew…everything I know about breaking hearts.” “I learned from you, it’s true.”
• Who wants to hire me at their establishment in the fall?
• If I have to come up with my own research project for my psych class, who wants to be one of my test humans?
• “But I love the way you roll excuses off the tip of your tongue…”
• The lightning last night was crazy cool, but I totally expected a tornado to just come out of nowhere…
• Don’t lose touch.
• Two. More. Weeks.
• ^ that’s a Bloc Party song! :D
• I need to update my other blog(s)
• Mercury is retrograde, apparently, according to a horoscope I read in the good ol’ Chicago Sun-Times, which apparently means that bad stuff happens or things just go wrong, and now I’m going to listen to the Bloc Party song because maybe it’ll make more sense to me than just a catchy danceable song.
• Can you tell that I’ve been listening to Taking Back Sunday?
• David Bromstad needs to come to my house ASAP, or at least whenever I get my own place.
• My business card will read as follows: “Ashley, DJ Ello, clinical/counseling psychologist, editor-in-chief of __ magazine, freelance photographer, event planner (including weddings!), author, poet, food enthusiast, interior designer, entrepreneur extraordinare, and anything else I decide at the last minute.” Yep. Hit my line for business inquiries, appointments, gatherings, or if you just want to talk or need someone to listen.
• I need a fun slogan for my business card…

Enjoy the list!

The whole dating thing is so…odd to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve only been on one, and it wasn’t even called one, but it totally was. Do I even flirt? How does one know if they are flirting with another human being? I mean, I know some people knowingly flirt with another person, but some of us don’t know that we’re doing it but our friends clearly see that we are. Apparently, I was flirting today via written communication aka texting, but I thought I was just talking haha. Needless to say, I’m going on a date or whatever Wednesday. I’ve been completely chill and nonchalant about it all day, so we shall see how it goes. Maybe it’s because the guy is more interested in me, and it’s not a true mutual feeling. (I do realize that he could possibly read this if he finds out my blog exists since there is a link to here via twitter and facebook ‘About Me’ sections. whatevs). I should say that I’m flattered that he is interested in me, but we haven’t communicated long enough for me to actually decide how I really feel about him or if I’m actually interested in him. I guess this is what dates are for as well, right? We get to know each other over some food, and then we decide if we’ll go on a second date and all that jazz. I’m just going to be myself, as usual. I don’t go out of my way to impress dudes, I just hope they’ll like me for me. That’s a good plan, right?

I have a friend who knows that this guy is interested in me and all, and she seriously told me not to go out with him because I “deserve an Italian or Mexican or Spaniard”. Is this real life? The word deserve was used, which was odd on its own, and she also said that I should find a better man. Say whaaaa?! First off, I’m not the one who asked him out. Secondly, she doesn’t know any more about him than me, so she can’t judge him as a bad guy or something; he seems really pretty cool. Thirdly, I don’t deserve an Italian/Mexican/Spaniard guy, I deserve a good guy regardless of his cultural background. Let it be known to the world wide web that I am attracted to guys of all races/colors/ethnicities/cultures. If he’s cute, he’s cute. I don’t prefer that he be of one race or another. I prefer that he be nice and not a douchebag. I love my friend, but in all seriousness that was an ignorant comment, and I know she was being serious about it and just being herself, but still. As someone who practically thrives off diversity, I don’t think I could live with myself if I held the belief that I could only be with a guy who came from a specific cultural background. That’s a bit too picky and superficial for my tastes. I know that many (if not most) people are only attracted to people with specific backgrounds and such, and that’s completely understandable. It’d be like me saying, “He’s cute, but I’d never date a *insert ethnicity* guy.” That’s just not how I roll. So yeah, I have no physical preference in men (well, maybe that they not be super buff and muscular because that slightly scares me).

Just some thoughts running through my mind after two in-the-morning. Ciao.