Reflections and Fragments

Difficult as fudge.

Especially when you have roomies, and you’re all from different cities and states.

Especially when your landlord/lessor tells you that the current residents haven’t moved out yet (they were supposed to be out by Saturday…) and will still be moving out the day you actually wanted to get the keys to move in.

Especially when your roomies still haven’t gotten back to you about how they want to break down the bills, and you definitely are not putting all three utility bills in your name.

Especially when you just want to breathe and have everything figured out by now. 

————

I should be cleaning my room as well, but I can’t under these current conditions haha. I’m going to go read a book and drink coffee now to relieve stress.

On this day in American/black/women history, I have officially lived a score aka two decades aka 20 years. I have beat teen pregnancy and have no criminal record. I am not a statistic.

Have a great day everyone! :]

I really hate that I had to come back home so early tonight because of my father giving me a curfew tonight, but whatever. I made the most of my time, and it was nice. I just chilled in Lincoln Park with two cool guys, listening to good music, having deep convos, and reminiscing on the old days (like we’re 50 or something haha). I also met a guy who I used to follow on here, so it was kinda weird because in my mind I’m thinking “Dude, I know who you are. We used to follow each other on tumblr like a year ago, and we know common people”, but that would’ve been super creepy haha. I figured we would’ve met eventually in life. He wasn’t at the apartment too long anyway. So ya. I laughed a lot tonight and got to see the killer view these guys have of the Chicago skyline. It’s so fucking beautiful. Seriously hanging with these guys more in the future. And did I mention I got an entire pizza for myself? Then again, all three of us did, and someone definitely had munchies haha. Anyways…

One day, you guys, one day. I will live in the city. 

School is done for the year, and the job/internship search is still on, and it only gets harder.

Thursday evening after returning from my grandmother’s house with my mom, there was a message waiting for me on the phone. Now, I don’t know how to check our voicemail since there’s a passcode and all of this other confusing stuff, so my mom is the one who actually listened to it and got pissed off. I was supposed to have an interview Friday afternoon for an internship with an organization that I support (not TWLOHA, for the record). The message was them canceling the interview because they’d given the position to someone else. Now, this was a super shitty move by them. We’d arranged to have this interview more than a week before Friday. I mean, they could have at least interviewed me then rejected me afterwards or something. Now they’ll never know if I happened to me more qualified than the other person they hired. Oh well.

At this point, it would be really easy for me to just give up on ever getting positions that I really want or even finding a job at all. I’ve never had an actual job before, so this makes it even harder for me to get one. I’ve only volunteered at random places, so I don’t necessarily have all of the experience needed for many positions besides knowing how to work with people very well. I need money to help pay bills. So what’s a girl supposed to do?

It sucks hardcore when I’m constantly rejected from something at least once a week, but I’ve got to keep my head up, and that’s what I’m still doing. Yeah, I have my sucky days like every other person in the world, but overall I’m more of an optimist. As I told a friend the other day, constant rejection sucks but the little things will make life better. I ate a Chipotle burrito bowl right after I found out my interview was cancelled, and it made me feel better. Food tends to make me feel better in general lol, but I also enjoy the company of others. Friday, I went to a conference for counselors/future counselors of Illinois. I was the youngest person in there and knew not a single soul, but it was still a very rewarding experience, and I was able to meet so many people and learn so much about counseling in this lovely state and counseling in general. The weather in the city was even super nice as I walked back to the train station to head home.

I’ve learned that rejection will probably come my way more often than not, and that’s okay. As long as I don’t let it get to me and always remember that something else will come along, I’ll be fine. I’m still excited for the future, and I’m pretty sure I always will be. The rejection just makes me stronger.

That moment when you’re super irritated with a friend because you inform them that you’re in pain and can barely walk, yet they still don’t see why you can’t come over to their house and try to guilt trip you. “I’ve been gone 4 months.” Well, so have I basically. Everyone’s been gone for four months at their schools, not just you. Just because you got home today doesn’t mean we must hang out today. There’s always tomorrow.

So ya, I’m already in a crabby mood, so my patience is short for this petty stuff. 

I will continue to listen to La Dispute in peace.

(I promise I’m not a mean person.)

I get on facebook, and this guy’s status basically says “I get a felony for unpaid parking tickets and my baby’s momma becomes a stripper. There is no hope for the human race”. Um, wow. Just wow. This is why I hardly get on facebook.

Also, I’m listening to a mix on 8tracks, and literally “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan just came on. Every sad animal commercial just popped into my head, and I want to cry. Damn the guy who made this mix.

The internet is too much for me right now. Going to watch a movie for real this time.

I’m going to be a bad, greedy kid today. How? Why?

Well, my school is giving us free steak dinners in the cafeterias between 4:30 and 7pm. They assume you’ll just go once, but this is not the case for me teehee.

I went in exactly at 4:30, got my delicious steak and sides to go with it, and left around 4:55. My plan is to go back, but to the other cafeteria, at 6:15 and get another meal. I don’t even care if they have steak left. I just want the free food because it is too good, in my opinion. I don’t believe the cooks in the cafeteria made any of the food. 

So ya. It’s one of those days where I’m going to indulge in free food from school and not care about how much I intake. 

I didn’t even do much besides go to my two classes, eat, and chat with folks. The one stressful event of the weekend has been settled between my future roomies and I. I’ve learned more about others in the process, which has led me to feel better about myself in ways (not to be conceited/arrogant), such as:

• I can see both sides to an argument, stay neutral in most cases, and not raise my voice at others
• The world is not simply black and white, and I’m glad that I can see that, while some people unfortunately cannot
• Not coming from a well-off family is actually nice because I know that not having to pay an extra $100 a month for a bill can make a big difference 
• I really do love people, forgive easily, and probably “defend” some people too much or unnecessarily (or maybe I’m just not quick to blame someone or become completely angry with them. I analyze the situation and try to understand their actions or whatnot).

This is why I want to be a psychologist. The human mind fascinates me. Also, I sometimes don’t understand how I became friends with certain people. Not in the bad way, but in the whole “we are so different, have very few things in common, and probably would’ve never been friends in high school or if we were never classmates last year” type of way. Everything is so weird.

Other things from today:

• It was our last class for Creative Writing. I’m going to miss everyone from class. We were a good bunch. Christian played his guitar and sang a song he’s been working on; hopefully he’ll record it soon because it’s good. My last poem actually received nice comments besides saying it was “good” or “not bad” lol. At least five of us will be in Creative Writing II in the fall.
• Listened to the new Sean Bones album coming out on the 8th. Me gusta. 
• Craving sushi. Two days until twloha’s final bonding night at the local sushi place! Excitement.
• An East Hazel Tango. “Last Night’s Fantasy, Today’s Trend”. Google that shit and feel nostalgic. Or don’t feel nostalgic because you didn’t know this band because I’m sure most people didn’t know them.
• I miss the south ‘burbs. I miss Chicago. I miss my hood. I miss my crew. 
• La Dispute and All Get Out in six days. Oh yes.
• In need of a baking party with the crew.  
• Met Jessica’s (former VP of our twloha chapter) boyfriend Saturday, and he has decided to call me “Dimples”, and they need to get married. I hope he finds a job in Texas so he can be closer to her now because they’re adorbs, just sayin’. 
• I want Mexican food.
• I have done not an ounce of homework today.
• At least I updated my resume, woot!
• Ice cream sounds nice right about now.
• I love seeing happy couples. I just want everyone to get married and invite me so I can cry while sitting somewhere in the first few rows. 
• While still in my nostalgic mood earlier, I remembered Brack Cantrell’s cover of  ”Brand New Colony” and found it on youtube because my copy of the song died with my old hard drive. It’s such a good cover. I don’t even know what he’s doing now since I know he’s definitely not a part of the touring band for Analog Rebellion anymore.
• Listened to Kid Cudi today, and I was happy camper. Summer nostalgia.
• Can’t go to Columbia’s Manifest this year because it’s a week earlier than usual. Kids These Days are going to be performing this year too. I’ve been wanting to see them so badly for months, but they’re supposed to be coming to school in the fall, so no worries. 
• Tat tat tat it up, oh. Tat tat tat it up. Now stop, oh, and wiggle with it, yeah. (Don’t ask)
• Counseling conference next Friday, as well as an interview with Planned Parenthood for an internship. Oh my.
• Omg, just remembered I get a free steak dinner tomorrow, courtesy of the school. I will try to be first in line, if possible. 
• Donuts sound really good right now too.

That’s all I have to say right now. Possibly a pointless post, but whatevs. Enjoy reading for anyone who actually decides to.

It’s that sucky moment when things are falling apart before they’ve even started. Life, I am not a fan of this current challenge, but bring it on anyway. At least this isn’t something I have to face alone.